Five Love Languages- Words of Affirmation

Words of Affirmation

“Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad’ ~ Proverbs 12:25

(This post is a continuation in the series on Gary Chapman’s ‘The Five Love Languages’.  For the intro post please follow this link.  https://wifeafterchrist.wordpress.com/2014/01/22/five-love-languages/)

So, your husband’s primary love language is Words of Affirmation?  Here is a little blurb on that taken from the Five Love Language website…

‘Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.’

I think most people would agree that hearing a word of encouragement can lift their spirit.  People with words of affirmation as a primary or secondary love language, however need more of this than usual.  We thrive off of it, and sometimes lose confidence without it.

I do not envy the calling to be a husband.  God has called them to be the leader of the household, and has given them the natural instinct to protect and provide for their family.  This is a heavy burden to bear.  As a wife, our job is to aid them in their journey, and to encourage them.  God’s word says that the power of life and death are in the tongue and to someone who thrives on words of affirmation, this could not ring truer.

I have done some thinking, researching and praying about this.

Challenge-

Here is a good challenge for you, as a wife to try out… Over the next week try to say as many words of encouragement to your husband as possible.  Make a conscious effort to stop nagging, and appreciate what he does, and let him know that you appreciate him.  Come and report back the difference you can see.  Here are some examples to get you started…

  • I love being around you
  • You are so attractive to me
  • Thank you so much for doing that
  • I love you
  • I feel so safe with you
  • I am so glad you’re home
  • You handled that so well
  • I love that I can trust you
  • I miss you
  • You have grown so much since _____
  • You are so gifted in _____
  • You’re right
  • I am so proud of the man you are

Also, bonus points for those who…

  • Leave little notes with encouragement around the house
  • Call him to tell him you appreciate him (that’s it)
  • Text him encouragement
  • Pray over him

I am excited to hear how this impacts your marriage.  Please, come back and report on how it went!

~Sarah

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Five Love Languages- Introduction

You may have heard of Gary Chapman’s book ‘The Five Love Languages‘.  It is an analysis of your emotional communication preferences.  There is a survey you can take which will help you determine how you prefer to receive love.  People give and receive love in many different ways.  Usually, people give the love that they want to receive.  This can often lead to frustration and strain within a relationship, because partners will often have differing emotional communication preferences, and not always be aware of how to meet their significant other’s needs. It is even possible that at one time, you were fulfilling each other’s needs, but no longer are.  Over time, your primary love language may change.

For example, in only two years, my primary love language shifted from the highest possible score for Physical Touch (12) which is now my 3rd love language (8), after Words of Affirmation (11) and Quality Time (9).  I was blessed with an observant husband plus the freedom within my relationship with him to communicate my needs, so the shift was met with ease on both parts.  I was still so happy to actually see myself changing, instead of just feeling different about physical touch, I was able to see my preferences and sort them out.

There are five main love languages.  They are:

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

Acts of Service

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Date-Night-In Idea…

I would recommend taking this test, and having your spouse take it as well.  Read and talk about what their needs are, and how you can fulfill their needs better. Don’t be afraid to express your needs, allow yourself to be vulnerable to your spouse, even if they are surprised by the results.  Communicate with them, and allow this test to be the ice breaker.  I recommend taking the test alone and then coming together to discuss the results. Pray with your spouse that God gives you the ability to communicate love for your husband the way he needs to receive it.  Here is the test link, it is free and only takes a few minutes.

  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

My next few posts will be addressing these love languages, along with giving ideas as to how to meet the needs of your spouse in these areas.  Please, follow along.  Be blessed.

~Sarah

Learning What Marriage Isn’t

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Having a wedding is easy, but 50% of marriages end in divorce.  We must be doing something wrong, right?  There are so many misconceptions about what marriage ‘should be’.  This causes so much pain and disappointment.  I was so blessed to have an amazing pre-marital counselor (who happens to now be my father-in-law, or as I just call him- “dad”) and Jon and I were able to go into it having a more realistic sense of what to expect.  We went into marriage knowing that our relationship was not just about us, the purpose of our covenant relationship was to reflect the relationship that Christ has with the church, His bride.

Marriage isn’t for you.  There is a very popular post going around nowadays called ‘why marriage isn’t for you’.  While it is just a secular post, there is some truth to it.  It is about a man who got married and wasn’t getting what he had hoped to get out of the deal.  He went to his dad who told him “Marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”  Now, while it takes out Christ completely, it could be added that it is first about Christ, and then about the person you married.

Marriage isn’t about sex.  As young Christians, so much pressure is put on us to ‘wait until marriage’.  So we see marriage as the shiny gates.  We race towards that finish line with so much excitement, to either finally have sex (if you succeeded in waiting) or to have sex without conviction (if you hadn’t silenced the Holy Spirit while you were in sin).  Sex is the most intimate and special gift you can give to your spouse.  And, I hate to be a bubble burster, but it usually doesn’t happen as frequently as desired, for either party.  More on sex at a later date, for now, lets just focus on the fact that marriage is NOT about sex.

Marriage isn’t a cure for loneliness.  Simply is not.   When we are lonely, we need to press into Christ, no matter how much it hurts.   It is hard, but we have to trust that He will fill all of our voids.  And, spoiler alert… you can still feel very lonely, even with a husband, and even when they are right next to you in bed.  Lonely single people become lonely married people.  God did not create any person to fulfill another person, except for Jesus.  Humans just were not designed to fill each others needs.

Marriage isn’t a way of escape.  Have an issue with the family or roommate that you just need to get away from?  Marriage is not a means to get away from someone.  Breaking away from an unhealthy relationship and jumping into another relationship for the wrong reasons will cause another unhealthy relationship.  Christ desires for reconciliation.  Because we live in an imperfect world, sometimes this is not as easy as you would hope.  However, running from something into the arms of someone else is not healthy, for anyone involved.  Again, God didn’t design someone else to fill your voids, or to fix your problems.

Marriage isn’t going to bring you closer to Christ.  I have heard of so many people hoping that the relationship with their spouse will make them closer to Christ.  The visions of the prayer meetings with him, the accountability to read the Bible daily, the hopes and dreams that somehow he will help your relationship with the Lord.  This doesn’t happen like that.  If anything, your marriage will be more of a distraction from daily quiet time. Prayer with your spouse will get shorter and shorter, if at all, and nothing will be what you had hoped it was.  Unless, of course if you begin the work prior.  Or, if you are already married, pray for enough grace, maturity and discipline to gain the relationship that Christ desires to have with you, His child.  And pray that your husband will compliment you on this journey.

So, that is that. Marriage can be such a fulfilling thing, as long as it is within the bounderies that God designed it to be within.  Don’t put too much pressure on it. Take joy in the little things.  Be content, and be constant.   I’ll be praying for my marriage, and praying for everyone who reads this post.

~Sarah